Sometimes when we feel deeply hurt, frightened, or betrayed, the psyche reaches almost instantly for anger. Anger can feel warm. It can feel powerful. It can feel safe. For many people, it once was necessary. It protected us when we had few other options.

The problem is that this old refuge is like stepping into a warm bath filled with lead. At first, it feels comforting and familiar. But over time it becomes toxic. It narrows our vision, keeps us from seeing the other person clearly, and cuts us off from the more vulnerable feelings that need our attention.

The work is not to deny the anger or criticize yourself for feeling it. The work is to pause at the edge of the bath. Notice it. Remember what it’s made of. You don’t have to climb in. You can stay with the hurt, the fear, or the sadness just long enough for something new to become possible.