Recently I was asked several questions in regard to Sober Dating. What would you suggest someone do when their date reacts poorly to finding out that you’re sober? Maybe your date is mean or begins to pry, or they try to get you to “just have one?” How should someone newly sober and vulnerable handle that awful situation?

• “Coming out” as In Recovery can be much heavier than someone sharing that they’re sober curious or doing a dry month. Any tips on someone opening up about their recovery specifically?

If your date reacts poorly to you finding out you are sober, this is a big yellow flag. However, I would try and remain calm. Stay in the now, be curious. Perhaps ask them, “What is it about this that bothers you?” See where it goes. This may in fact be a deal breaker for them, or for you. Remember that dating is a “mutual interview process” getting to know someone takes time, it could and should be treated with respect. If your date is “mean”, that is a boundary, there is no place for that, and you should stand up for yourself. If they continue, then you end the date at that point. There is a difference between curiosity and “prying” one is respectful and promotes connection, the other can be invasive and disrespectful. While it may be hard to know, you can often detect a tone and an inner sense, a feeling that something isn’t right. This is usually your best guide. If you decide that they are prying, challenging, or minimizing you, again stand up and advocate for yourself. Same if they try to push a drink on you. Being newly sober, you may feel overwhelmed or blind-sided. Take a breath and if need be, remove yourself, go to the bathroom and text or reach out to a sober friend “lifeline”.
Opening up about your recovery is a very personal thing. For many young people it can be a challenge and depending on the severity of their addiction, their recovery may be a matter of life and death. Dating early in recovery carries specific challenges. For one, getting sober often requires many particular life-style changes. This can include meetings, yoga, meditation, exercise, fellowship with other sober people, etc. These things require significant energy, commitment, and focus. It is not easy to establish and embed new habits. Anybody who has ever been in a relationship knows that they also take a lot of time and energy. So, it may be wise to hold off on dating until you have solidified to some extent your newfound habits. And then you need to own them, you need to treasure and protect them. And ideally you will do this with community support that can include friends, family, and other sober people. It may or may not include members of the twelve-step community or other therapeutic supports. All of this to say, that at a certain point one comes to see that sobriety is a lifestyle that makes their life better. It opens the door to a life of possibilities and not a source of shame. Therefore, opening up to someone about it can be done with a strong sense of dignity. Taking care one’s personal, physical, mental and emotional health is the top priority. And if someone cannot respect that, then its simply time to say thank you, take care and “keep it moving.”